Driving a green bus, like the guys from On The Buses, I see things other people don't.
I'm also like George Formby cleaning his windows and peeking at the ladies, or a butler in a massive mansion turning a blind eye to misdemeanors, we're the invisible people who listen-in to your lives, while earning our living.
So, one day, on a lonely route. I pick up a girl carrying a bass guitar. Soaked she is, the guitar's dripping wet, too. It hasn't got a case or anything.
She buys a day-rover ticket. Cheapest way, see. And I say, "so what, you a musician or something?" And she looks at me like I'm taking the Michael. Suit yerself, I think.
A couple of stops later, this guy gets on. Hair slicked back by the rain and long black leather coat glistening like mink. So, he gets a ticket to Thursby Down, 'bout two miles away.
I really like the rain on this route. It's clear, pure as if it was glass. The drops are huge, much bigger than normal. If you're caught in a shower round these parts and you're a bit thirsty, just lift up your head and take a few gulps. Amazing.
The guy sees the girl with the guitar, stops for a second, as if he thinks he recognises her but isn't sure, and sits down. A few minues later, I see him in the 'rear view', he moves to sit next to her. She looks pissed 'cause she's gotta move the guitar and that. But he looks well into it.
I wonder if she's famous or something. I'm not up on new bands, so I wouldn't know. Anyway, that's what I saw. Might be something developing there. Who knows.
Us 'invisible men' will keep you up to date, don't worry.
[Bus Driver's bestest record: I'm into Ian Dury, of course. What bus driver wouldn't be, eh? Bus Drivers prayer, you know? It's New Boots and Panties for me, though. That was THE coolest album to have when I was a kid. That and Setting Sons by The Jam.
The opening bit of 'Wake Up And Make Love To Me' - first track on the album, a oriental sounding piano riff - great one. Sweet Gene Vincent, My Old Man. Blockheads. What a cracker!
I'm totally partial to Ian Dury's Abracadabra, you know. Even better, I'm from Essex! Straight up - not Billericay, though. Unfortunately (Fortunately? Surely!)
I remember the LP being available for about £3.99 from Woolies. Too much for me in them days. I had to wait 'til Christmas to get a copy. Up until Christmas Eve, I was certain me granny was gonna get me a pair of shoes and some underwear instead.
You can never trust your grandparents with important stuff like records. I couldn't wait to play them that track with all the swearing at the start - Plaistow Patricia - I thought that meant I was being a total punk, rather than a total prat.]
"Oi, get that bus aht!" (says a voice, slightly off-stage).
Better go. Don't forget, us invisible men will keep you up to date. Know what I mean? (says the bus driver, tapping his nose as he speaks).